PLAYDAD

Our theme is toys: the stuff of dreams, of traditions, of big business. Toys. A phenomenon which our experts see as an elaborate apology syndrome: a legacy from a guilt-ridden parent to a love-starved child, a haven for the emotionally bruised, a refuge for the sensually deprived, a mock-up of Man’s world, a makeshift universe, a cherished illusion, a pacifier.

We see today that the demand for toys and diversions has already escalated to epidemic proportions. The reason, according to our experts, is easy to see. In order to pay their bills and support their families, most parents now spend more time at their jobs than they do at home. Hence, the need to leave something in their stead to amuse and placate their youngsters---to “apologize”, as it were, for the empty existence their absence has forced upon them. Little wonder that children’s toys over the past ten to fifteen years have become more ambitious, and more expensive.

As a result, zealous bread-winners, in their desperate attempts to make amends, have plunged themselves even deeper into debt. This, according to our experts, is how the syndrome refuels itself. They predict that by 2010 the average middle-class American parent will lavish more money on his children at Christmas than the Metropolitan Opera now spends on Aida. They do not expect that children will be proportionately happier, only that moms and dads will be laboring more feverishly to maintain, or surpass, the level of make-believe to which their young ones are accustomed.We see this insane proliferation of playthings in the marketplace and in the home. We see human creation groaning and travailing in quest of that mythical plateau of contentment and economic stability which, our experts happily assure us, will never be attained. How, then, is all this stuff to be paid for in a normal lifetime?

PLAYDAD is a unique concept in personal finance. It is the brainchild of our economic experts and entrepreneurs, who have developed a more efficient cost evaluation and reimbursement system. PLAYDAD is a nationwide credit syndicate and amusement outlet that operates on what its founders call the "Give-As-You-Live” principle. They believe that standard monetary systems have outlived their usefulness. Nowhere is this better illustrated than in the area of children’s recreation. To express the value of today’s toys and appliances in dollars and cents would be like measuring the number of feet from here to the Moon. Moreover, the sense of “value”, per se, is altogether too personal nowadays to have the universal application it once had. For this reason, children’s toys at PLAYDAD are not priced. Instead, their value is expressed in years. That is, years of bondage in which the parent works off the colossal debt. No money changes hands, only data---and time. Thus, PLAYDAD represents a revolutionary new step towards a cashless economy. While the concept of deferred payment is by no means new, the commercial visionaries at INTERNATIONAL PLAYDAD have transformed this world trend into a dynamic megasystem. The following will provide a rough idea of how the system works.

First of all, there is THE TOYSTORE: the mecca of dreams-made-flesh-made-sweat where business is initiated and transacted. INTERNATIONAL PLAYDAD owns the merchandise, operates a chain of retail outlets, sells franchises and leases property on which future outlets are now being erected. It is also in the process of buying up a number of toy enterprises already in existence. THE TOYSTORE is a faddish, simplified trade name (like The Book or Le Car) for any retail center or supplier operating under the I.P. umbrella.

Next, there is the payroll deduction plan. Computed into every transaction, along with the appropriate sales tax, interest and service charges, is the customer’s personal information: rate of earnings, estimated overtime, bonuses, raises, current debts, etc. Money (that is, data) that is not already set aside for withholding taxes, Social Security, retirement funds, union dues, insurance premiums and other credit payments, would then be designated for the financing of Junior’s space station, battleship, electric guitar or idiot box. The value of an item would be converted into time, and it would vary with every customer. The actual amount a parent owed THE TOYSTORE would, in effect, be determined by his financial situation. For example, a live-in dollhouse might set a stock clerk back two years; a corporate executive, only a few weeks.

Next, we come to I.P.’s computer SYSTEM. Once a new customer’s vital information has been entered into the SYSTEM, he is issued a twelve-digit finance code. This code, like his Social Security number, will belong to him all the days of his life. In order to receive a printed estimate of the toys on his shopping list, the customer need only copy the item numbers, plus his personal finance code, onto an official “Request Form” and turn this form in to the customer service desk at the front of the store. The service clerk punches the data into the SYSTEM, and, in just seconds, a personalized price list is created.

A typical printout for an average middle-class father of three, who is already saddled with mortgage and car payments, tuition costs, medical bills and other expenses, might look something like this:

ITEM #	DESCRIPTION	TIME
5374	SUZY SVELTE WRISTWATCH	1 yr., 2 mos.
9133	MOTORIZED BESSY MESSY DOLL	2 yrs., 3 mos.
*9134	---with pimples	*6 mos. extra
4016	PUPPY LOVE PERFUME	4 mos.
2701	PUNKMOBILE	2 yrs., 5 mos
7711	ROGER RIPCORD UNIFORM/GEAR	1 yr., 4 mos
4340	SPIT 'N' SPEAK	3 yrs., 3 mos.
*4341	---with replacement disks	*4 mos. extra
2087	LONGO THE TALKING DOG	4 yrs., 3 mos
1019	BOZO'S BLIGHT LEPROUS CLOWN HEAD	9 mos.
1508	VENDETTA!	1 yr., 2 mos.
9970	KISS MY DUST RACING OUTFIT	8 yrs.
7980	FU-2 RAY GUN	1 yr., 8 mos.
3762	BULIMIC BARFI DOLL	2 yrs., 9 mos.
8142	CITY IN A BOTTLE	7 yrs., 6 mos.
*8143	---with warheads	*1 yr. extra
6666	KAISERS AND CAVES VIDEO GAME	4 yrs., 3 mos.
5122	PLASTIC GALACTIC FACT'RY	15 yrs.

The parent then, after prayerful perusal, selects those items on his list which he feels he can afford. He writes the item numbers on an “Order Form” and hands it to the service clerk, who enters the numbers, plus the parent’s finance code, into the SYSTEM. While his data is being processed, the parent is led to a back room where he is photographed holding his finance number across his chest. This picture is also fed into the SYSTEM. Instead of a conventional invoice, THE TOYSTORE issues the customer an official CERTIFICATE OF YEARS containing an itemized printout of purchases, total term of indentured service, and the parent’s picture (with numbers). The parent adds his signature and thumbprint to this document and re-submits it for final approval. The store and the parent each keep a copy of the CERTIFICATE; additional copies are filed with the parent’s employer(s), the state police and the F.B.I.

Before the parent is allowed to leave the store with his purchases, he is lead to yet another room where a tiny electronic tracer is surgically implanted somewhere under his skin. This device transmits specially coded signals to a vast network of tracing terminals throughout the United States, Canada and Mexico, so that PLAYDAD’S computer SYSTEM can monitor the parent’s activities and general whereabouts. No transaction is complete until this tracer is installed.

As soon as the incision has been stitched and dressed, the parent is free to leave. From here on, he is under constant surveillance. While the SYSTEM’s tracking capabilities have yet to be perfected, there is still relatively little pertinent information that its sensors and reasoning circuits cannot deduce. The SYSTEM will know, for instance, if an individual is at home or on the job, or if he has switched jobs. A series of positive signals are transmitted whenever he is hard at work. Overtime produces a sensuous electronic hum in the SYSTEM’s monitors. Erratic behavior on the job (laziness, excessive lateness, goofing off) grieves the SYSTEM and invites serious disciplinary action. Most of the newer implants are designed to dispense painful electric charges to an errant parent who needs to be kept in line. Sickness, personal injury or any other unscheduled absence from the job will also interrupt the flow of positive signals and place the SYSTEM on “stand-by”. If normal feedback is not restored within 24 hours, and/or if no word is received from the parent, a “red alert” is triggered, and a team of investigators is dispatched posthaste. The same holds true for layoffs, unapproved resignations, or any crisis in which the parent fails to reach the SYSTEM’s hot line:

This is why it is imperative for every “Give-As-You-Liver” to inform the SYSTEM of changes in his routine or situation.

Sabbaticals and mental breakdowns are absolutely frowned upon. Some earn penalties of up to two years’ indentured service. Faithful and slavish persistence, on the other hand, is encouraged and rewarded. Working holidays and weekends, or taking an additional job, can earn a parent credits, or CERTIFICATES OF GRACE, which can be applied to the current debt, or to future purchases. Some stores grant their customers rebates, or credits, of up to six months just for working Christmas Day!

“‘Workaholia’ is its own best watchdog,” says I.P. chief security analyst, Nelson J. Kazootie. “A person whose imagination is blunted by drudgery and family pressures is less likely to think his way out of a commitment than one who has been enlightened by alternatives.”

Even so, there have been a number of occasions when parents have attempted to beat the SYSTEM. No one, thus far, has succeeded. For one thing, it is a federal offense for any doctor or lay person to remove the surgically implanted tracer. However, it is possible to confuse the SYSTEM’s device by starving oneself. There are underground surgeons who will remove the implant for a price---cash only---but starving oneself is cheaper and far less dangerous. Besides, the SYSTEM can sense when the device has been starved or tampered with, and in the time it takes a parent to ditch his job and flee town, PLAYDAD will have already dispatched its own security task force. If a fugitive parent has not been apprehended in two days, state and local authorities are brought into the investigation. After a week, the parent is the target of a nationwide manhunt. His picture and finance number will begin appearing on the evening news, on milk cartons, on tree trunks, and in post office lobbies. Airline terminals will step up their security. Canadian and Mexican boarder patrols will be put on emergency alert. Bus and train stations, motels, rent-a-car agencies, bars and brothels will all be sent fliers displaying the parent’s picture and finance number. Any citizen who may have seen him will be urged to contact the I.P. security hot line:

After two months, the fugitive’s family is taken into custody and held at gunpoint. PLAYDAD then issues a coast-to-coast bulletin over radio and television, informing the wayward parent that this most drastic action has been taken. This almost always brings the culprit to the bargaining table within 48 hours.

Once the parent has been apprehended, or has turned himself in, he must sign an ADMISSION OF GUILT before his family can be released and his children allowed to return to their playthings. He is then slapped with an upgraded CERTIFICATE OF YEARS which includes the unpaid balance on the toys, late fees, corporate damages, accrued interest on the late fees, interest on the damages, interest on the interest---plus the cost of the investigation, legal fees, state and local fines, federal “involvement” taxes, and other applicable penalties. His trial, should he decide to plead his case before a judge and jury, is but a formality since his guilt is already a matter of public record. But the SYSTEM thrives on such formalities in that the lawyers, the court clerks, the bailiffs, the jurors, even the judge, are all working to pay off their debts to THE TOYSTORE. So are the police. So are the members of the security task force. So are the legislators who voted in the I.P. SYSTEM in the first place.

All men, high and humble, are bound up in the SYSTEM. The SYSTEM cannot fail.

The parent is then carted off to one of PLAYDAD’s maximum security labor camps where he is kept in custody until he has worked off his debt to society. His term will depend on the length and severity of his transgression. There are no rebates or reprieves to be earned here. Only one concession may be granted, though. If the parent will agree to let THE TOYSTORE confiscate any merchandise that has not been damaged (spitefully or by accident), then PLAYDAD will allow him to spend one weekend, every other month, at home with his family. This is not as gracious as it may sound. For these visits, brief and infrequent though they may be, force the parent to endure his children’s wrath and disappointment. No parent that we know of has ever been that desperate for a vacation. All have preferred the peace and safety of the labor camp. The SYSTEM never fails...

...Which finally brings us back to our original theme: toys. For it is here, in these labor camps, that some of our most ingenious new toys are being produced. As more and more parents across America and the free world leave their homes in order to take up full time residence at their jobs or in labor camps, these special toys will be turning up in greater abundance. They represent PLAYDAD’s solution to the missing parent. The ultimate apology! Conceived and developed by Playdad Industries, a division of INTERNATIONAL PLAYDAD, this prize winning series is called, appropriately enough, “Playdad”. This is what it consists of:

A remarkable, small scale replica of the child’s home, made to order, and a two-foot tall dummy fashioned into the likeness of the child’s father---a play-dad!

This dummy can be made to act out all the things the child’s real dad used to do around the house when he lived there. The dummy comes with a computer chip onto which his dad’s voice, or a reasonable facsimile, has been recorded. Depending on what the child instinctively desires, the play-dad can be tender or authoritative, angry or forgiving. It is tough and durable and can be kicked around, punished and abused without caving in like the frail dummy who once ran the house. The play-dad can even be made to go to work. Replicas of the father’s workplace are also available.

The play-dad comes with age lines that deepen, hair that turns gray and falls out, shoulders that hunch, and a back that can be thrown out of joint. And for the precocious child who enjoys poetic realism, there is an advanced model of the play-dad that comes with a fractured chest cavity, symbolizing a failed or a broken heart. The play-dad can be made to lie down and rest---or die---which the child’s real father, no doubt, wishes he could do. Still in development is an even more sophisticated version of the play-dad that eats, sweats, goes to the bathroom, and breaks promises. The possibilities are endless.

Responding to a growing demand for toys that represent the woman’s place in the home, Playdad Industries has just released a play-mom character which does, or attempts to do, all the lucrative and fulfilling things that the play-dad now does. For the older children, the two dummies come packaged together as “Playfolks”, replete with special features that are obvious and need not be elaborated upon here.

The Age of the Replica is at hand. What we have seen is only the beginning. Our experts at INTERNATIONAL PLAYDAD challenge us to imagine a society in which every employable adult has been pressed into full time, in-residence labor; in which solutions to every problem have been financed by diligence and hard work, while all the woes and conflicts of the world are acted out at home on a miniature play-globe---by children!

PLAYDAD is toys.
PLAYDAD is jobs.
PLAYDAD is justice!
The future...is PLAYDAD.